The Mom Mood

Today was the first day I had ever heard another mom "vent" about her LO.  Not just one of those silly complaints coupled with an eye-roll.  But a desperate and confused complaint followed up with a plea for advice.

It felt so good to see someone else complain because so often I feel like I am on the other side of that conversation.  For the first time ever, I sat there listening and thought to myself- thank goodness L is finally sleeping through the night.

I remembered the times that I would unroll my picnic blanket at the moms meet up, happily introduce myself and my son and eagerly bring up the topics of night feedings, early wake ups, and non-napping assuming that everyone must be feeling the stresses of new momhood only to feel silly and insecure when everyone just listened and smiled, politely acknowledging how tough it must be but never really joining in my, whats the word...misery?

L is a happy and healthy adorable little man.  And I am so lucky to be his mom.  I am even luckier that I get to stay home and be with him.

But depsite all of this "luck", I find that day after day I feel frustrated and unenergized.

And on those rare occassions that I am actually home and he is napping (as opposed to him napping in his stroller while we are out), those are the most amazing times- I can get things done or I can actually sit on the couch with a cup of coffee and watch mindless TV!  Sadly, those naps last, at a MAX one hour.

I hate sounding so ungrateful and complaining when we have a healthy baby boy, but the 5am wake up calls, the bickering with my DH about who is "on duty", the often daily struggle with bedtime, the heart wrenching experimenting with sleep training ....it takes so much out of me!

To top it all off, today L stabbed me in the eye with chop sticks (they seemed like such a benign toy to keep him entertained while we waited for our food) and as we scurried out of the restaurant, leaving our friends behind so that we could avoid a meltdown and get L to bed, I stubbed my toe so badly that I literally saw stars!

For the last 10 months I have been waiting for the dust to settle.  To hit my mom stride and to finally have it all figured out.  But each day brings another complex challenge and I am desperate to try and keep up (and I know what some people are thinking and I know you are right..."just wait until you decide to have another child").

Do I just need to acknowledge that this is the new norm.  That this mood I am often in (irritable, frustrated, maybe even a little depressed) is just the mom mood? 

Phrases, Cliches, and Sayings That Make So Much More Sense Now

Now that I am a mom, so many of the one-liners and phrases that were said to me before and during my pregnancy suddenly make a ton of sense. Here are a few...

Stock Up on Sleep:

This one used to make me laugh, but now I totally get it and whole-heartedly agree that, if this was possible, I should have definitely done it!

You'll know when it happens:

During my pregnancy I had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. In the earlier months I realized that this didn't mean anything significant, but as weeks/months went on, I was always hopeful that a BH contraction might mean that labor was just around the corner. Whenever I discussed this with other moms, I was always told, "you'll know when it happens". This phrase bugged me because it was so vague but then, well, I went into labor and I "knew" it was happening.

Sleep when the baby sleeps:

It doesn't seem that hard, right? Except for the fact that I have a home to run and despite the bazillion of times I've heard this phrase, for some reason, sleep was always trumped by dishes, laundry, and/or shower. Sadly, I still have a hard time sleeping when he sleeps (like now)...but I really wish I had done more of this!

You Gotta Do What's Right for You:

So cliche but SO true. You can read every book, apply every bit of advice, but ultimately, you have to find your own system, your own technique. It's always good to ask advice and to learn from others, but at the end of the day, you really do have to do what's right for YOU.

A Mother's Love...:

When else in life are we ever ok with someone repeatedly waking us up in the middle of the night? Before you were a mom, did you ever giggle at bodily functions or laugh at bowel movements (correction: laugh at bm's that you would eventually have to clean up). And when else have you woken up after minutes of sleep, loving the person responsible for your lack of sleep even more than you loved them the day before?

It Gets Easier:

Getting out of the house still takes me at least 15 minutes (on a good day). I am still up at least two times a night (on a good night). Scheduling doctor appointments and playdates still stresses me out a little (ok, a lot). The car seat still weighs a million pounds (seriously...). The stroller is still broken (read: I still haven't figured out how to use it). Despite all of this, for some reason, it is easier. The job description hasn't changed, I have. I've learned to adapt and to be flexible. And most importantly, I've learned to never leave home without ample diapers, wipes, and a change of clothes- we learned this the hard way.

Ready, set, GO....GREEN!

...well, kind of "green". I am starting with my household cleaners primarily because that is the area in which my non-greenness is most apparent.

I am never more happy than when I walk into a clean scented organized space. But, I realize that a lot of the scents I associate with "clean" come with a few non-green consequences.

So here are my plans...

Step One:

Don't discard...donate. That's exactly what I planned to do with all of my not-so-green products (Clorox Bleach, Ajax, Swiffer WetJet, Fabric Softener Sheets, Lysol, Pledge). These are currently in a box at my doorway ready to make their way to the Liberty Humane Society.

Step Two:

Create a few essential cleaners from scratch (yes, as in homemade).

Step Three:

Purchase the things I can't make on my own.

Here is what I am left with:

• Vinegar, water, essential oils All-Purpose Cleaner (I used lavender and eucalyptus- my two favorite scents)
• Washing Soda, Borax, Lavender & Eucalyptus Laundry Detergent
• Lavender & Eucalyptus Dryer Sheet (well...reusable rag)
• Method Flushable Wipes
• Murphy's Oil
• Mrs. Meyers Lavender Fabric Softener*
• Mrs. Meyers Hand Soaps*
• Rags (the amount of paper towels we go through is embarrassing)

(*After some research, it turns out, that Mrs. Meyers might not be the greenest of products but it is certainly on the green spectrum. And it is impossibly hard not to love these adorably designed, deliciously scented products for the home :)

And there you have it, folks- my cleaning kit for the next several weeks! Hope I can keep it up!!

Thank you, Dr. Starbucks

I don't always appreciate snarky blog posts that criticize people who likely have only the best of intentions, but there is something just so laugh-out-loud funny about posts that focus on topics like, "What NOT to say to a pregnant woman."

I wanted to share a few real life scenarios that still make me laugh. I've also included my witty and clever retorts (that I thought of about a day or two afterward ...sigh).

"Should you be drinking that?!???"

Wow, I had no idea they were teaching prenatal care at Starbucks barista school.

"OMG, You are HUGE!"

If you think I'm huge, you should see my maternity underwear."

"You Must Be Due Any Minute!"

Nope, still have about eight weeks to go...so...ya...well...could you pass the stapler?" (I couldn't think of anything witty and clever so I figured I would rely on amplifying the awkward moment).

"Babe, when can we have another one?!"

Just as soon as I graduate from my disposable underwear lined with tuck pads and when I can go to the bathroom without using a water bottle :) (For anyone who doesn't have experience with this type of thing, let me know...I'll explain).

"Tell Me Everything!"

Well, first there was this thing they call a mucous pl....

(it's for my readers' safety that I don't share the entire ordeal. But the real reason you don't ask this of a new mom is because, as you requested, she will likely tell you ev.reee.thing!). In a strange, kind of heroic, "ya, I did that", kind of way, I loooved sharing these details. My husband, on the other hand, was not so comfortable reliving the entire procedure...er, I mean, "experience".

Grace...Not Perfection

I am my own worse critic. There are a lot of things in life that I am insecure about and mommy-hood has opened up an entirely new dimension to my insecurity. But with the exhaustion, the daily challenges, and the steep learning curve, I just don’t have time for my insecurities anymore. The second guessing, the mommy comparing, and everything else that unfolds in the mommy universe.

I am using this post as my declaration to rise above my self doubt and give myself a pat on the back for getting this far. For raising a happy and healthy baby and managing to keep up with his frequent night wakings, his fast approach towards the fussy teething stage, and the absolutely adorable (albeit messy as sin) experimentation with solids.

I need to stop pretending that this is easy or telling myself that it shouldn't be this hard. I need to be honest that on most days, I don’t even put on a bra, let alone shower. On the days I do shower, it is less about my personal hygiene and more about an opportunity for privacy, alone time, and a breather.

I need to be ok with “coming undone” and to learn to love the frazzled, frizzy-haired, totally strung out woman who looks back at me in the mirror. I need to be less needy of the peer compliments and more willing to be my own cheerleader; my own best friend.

I need to remind myself that every really great mom has/will come across her challenges. It might not be now but at some point whether it’s with teething, sleep regression, SATs or college visits, any mom who is trying her best will stumble over a parenting obstacle.

I need to remember my parenting goals- raising a happy and healthy baby who is compassionate and confident. And the easiest way to teach these traits is to be/do/embrace these traits. And most of all, I need to strive for a standard of grace and not perfection.

My Favorite Three Words As a Mom

Hand. Me. Downs.

In this economy I think it is fair to say that any rational person, regardless of financial situation, is always looking to save a few bucks. As a recent addition to the "Stay At Home Mom" club, I definitely look for ways to save a dime. We cook dinner at least 5 or 6 nights a week, take advantage of Amazon Prime for free shipping on the stuff we need, we make our own baby food (TBD if that is actually saving us money)....and the list goes on.

Not only is it a lot harder for me to spend money when I am not making a financial contribution, but I also have a little financial fairy in my ear who reminds me that you don't get rich by spending money. It's important to be conservative when you are living on one income (especially if said income is generated from the financial industry...you know, the industry where you get a raise one day and laid off the next...blech).

Today, while I was folding yet another basket of laundry, I realized how lucky I am...every single onsie, pj, pant, and cardigan I folded was a hand-me-down. No joke! And it made me realize that in the five months of my son's life I have bought MAYBE 5 items (there were really super cute outfits at Target during the holidays and he obviously needed a pair of tear away wind pants for Gymboree).

I am grateful for my sister, friends, and neighbors who have donated their clothes to our closet (and it is fantastic to think that I have a never ending supply courtesy of my nephew!). I get excited when we've grown out of one batch of clothing. I fold it and store it away for the next baby (God willing) and think about who, down the road, might benefit from truckloads of onsies.

With all of the expenses associated with having a baby, it is comforting to know that clothing will likely not be an issue. Diapers, wipes....now those are going to cost us.

Do I Go Green?

I am currently watching the "Rachel" Show- I think this is a first. Jessica Alba is on promoting her new company, Honest.com. A retail site for green and natural products for the home. It got me thinking...

I am lucky enough to have two women who help me clean (aka, I help by getting out of the house while they do a top-to-bottom scrubbing). A few times I've come home and they are still finishing up. The scents of cleaners are so intense! Normally, I would love that "clean" smell. But now with a baby, I can't help but wonder about what the fumes of these chemicals might be doing.

In recent weeks, months, I have tried to infuse my cleaning recipes with green and natural products (I know there is nothing better than vinegar and water). But then I wonder if it is really necessary. I grew up in a home with lots of chemicals (ugh, and cigarette smoke).

What do you think- is it worth the extra dollars to go green?

Being a parent is CRAZY hard

When you sit down to write about being a parent, there is no telling what direction your post might go in. Already this morning I've drafted about four different versions of this post covering everything from my pregnancy and delivery to our (my) challenges with sleep training (or lack of sleep training). It's hard to make these topics fit on one sheet of paper. Each topic has about a thousand relevant subtopics! So, to keep it simple, I decided to write a list of 5 reasons why being a parent is crazy hard...for me.

1. I don't sleep. Ever.

A coworker told me that after you have a child, you will never sleep the same again.

From the day our baby was born, I can count, on one hand (actually, on three fingers) the number of times I have slept for more than 4 hours). A good friend once said that all babies are good at something. That something, for our baby, isn't sleeping. When my baby has a "good" night, I feel like I am always on "stand by" waiting for him to wake up. When he has a "bad" night, well, I am just always up!

I am pretty sure I will never NOT be tired again.

2. Where the heck is my Mom-fidence?!

(I wish I could say that I invented that word but after one google search it is clear that I am not nearly as clever as I thought!) Ok, but seriously, why am I so insecure when it comes to this mom business? I have my moments of self-doubt in life but something about managing the health and well-being of a vulnerable helpless infant makes my insecure-o-meter go through the roof! I'm always wondering if I am doing something "right". I am always sure that I did something "wrong".

3. I'm not paranoid! I just worry...a lot!

"Is he cold?", "Is he hot?", "You know, they say that overheating can cause SIDS.", "Does he have to burp?", "Did I burp him long enough?", "Is his diaper dirty", "Is he still breathing- just put your hand on his chest to double check.", "You know what, now that I think about it, 'across the hall' is a lot further than I thought- let's get a video monitor."

4. Do I feel judged because I judge others? Probably.

I am judgmental. There, I said it. And I know that my judging is a weakness and only exposes a deeper insecurity of my own, but I'll stop there before I cannibalize another post....

When I see a mom with her car seat on the handle bars of a shopping cart I can't help but think, "Doesn't she know that you are not supposed to do that?!" and raise my eyebrows as I strategically place fruits and veggies around the GINORMOUS car seat that is in (not on) my cart and figure out whether or not we really need toilet paper on this visit. I don't really know what to say about this one other than that there are about one million things I can do in a day that will "damage" my baby. I am sure I am going to inadvertently damage my child in one way or another- if not physically than definitely emotionally. It's about choosing the "lesser evil" sometimes and I need to remember that before I roll my eyes at other moms who are just trying to make things work.

5. Never say never- no, really, don't because you will just look like a hypocrite.

I will NEVER say NEVER again as it relates to a parenting method (for example, I am pretty sure at one point I said, "I would NEVER do sleep training. Well....). I also used to make fun of (er, ok, judge) parents who used baby leashes. Now, as a parent, I 100% understand why someone would want to use a protective baby harness at a crowded, pedophile-filled amusement park (see, once you are a parent, you don't see it as a "leash" anymore and you do assume that everyone is a pedophile- ok, not really but....refer to point 3).

I think I also said that I would never provide unsolicited baby advice. Ever.

Hello? Anyone still out there....?

If a blogger apologizes to empty cyber space, but no one is there to read it, does it still make a sound?

First and foremost, to all three of my (at one time) loyal readers, I apologize. I could hand you any excuse in the book (I didn't have time, my creative juices ran dry, I got a new job, I quit a new job), but bottom line, my blog (and you) suffered due to my negligence.

A lot has changed in the last year (oh my god, has it been two?!). For one, I am a mom to a beautiful little boy and I am privileged to be able to stay home with him and watch him grow every single day. Needless to say, this seemingly small life change has fueled me with a lot of questions, comments, and opinions (that change every thirty seconds) that will no doubt make an impression on my writing.

I am going to keep this post short & sweet as I ease my way back into this creative forum. I promise to update as frequently as possible and now that I am a stay-at-home-mom, I have SOOOO much more time on my hands to just kick back, get creative and write.....you know, because I am home ALL day, sipping coffee and watching soaps...

I think I just identified my first official "welcome back" blog post! It will probably start with something along the lines of, "Mom, I am so sorry for never giving you enough credit."