Grace...Not Perfection

I am my own worse critic. There are a lot of things in life that I am insecure about and mommy-hood has opened up an entirely new dimension to my insecurity. But with the exhaustion, the daily challenges, and the steep learning curve, I just don’t have time for my insecurities anymore. The second guessing, the mommy comparing, and everything else that unfolds in the mommy universe.

I am using this post as my declaration to rise above my self doubt and give myself a pat on the back for getting this far. For raising a happy and healthy baby and managing to keep up with his frequent night wakings, his fast approach towards the fussy teething stage, and the absolutely adorable (albeit messy as sin) experimentation with solids.

I need to stop pretending that this is easy or telling myself that it shouldn't be this hard. I need to be honest that on most days, I don’t even put on a bra, let alone shower. On the days I do shower, it is less about my personal hygiene and more about an opportunity for privacy, alone time, and a breather.

I need to be ok with “coming undone” and to learn to love the frazzled, frizzy-haired, totally strung out woman who looks back at me in the mirror. I need to be less needy of the peer compliments and more willing to be my own cheerleader; my own best friend.

I need to remind myself that every really great mom has/will come across her challenges. It might not be now but at some point whether it’s with teething, sleep regression, SATs or college visits, any mom who is trying her best will stumble over a parenting obstacle.

I need to remember my parenting goals- raising a happy and healthy baby who is compassionate and confident. And the easiest way to teach these traits is to be/do/embrace these traits. And most of all, I need to strive for a standard of grace and not perfection.

My Favorite Three Words As a Mom

Hand. Me. Downs.

In this economy I think it is fair to say that any rational person, regardless of financial situation, is always looking to save a few bucks. As a recent addition to the "Stay At Home Mom" club, I definitely look for ways to save a dime. We cook dinner at least 5 or 6 nights a week, take advantage of Amazon Prime for free shipping on the stuff we need, we make our own baby food (TBD if that is actually saving us money)....and the list goes on.

Not only is it a lot harder for me to spend money when I am not making a financial contribution, but I also have a little financial fairy in my ear who reminds me that you don't get rich by spending money. It's important to be conservative when you are living on one income (especially if said income is generated from the financial industry...you know, the industry where you get a raise one day and laid off the next...blech).

Today, while I was folding yet another basket of laundry, I realized how lucky I am...every single onsie, pj, pant, and cardigan I folded was a hand-me-down. No joke! And it made me realize that in the five months of my son's life I have bought MAYBE 5 items (there were really super cute outfits at Target during the holidays and he obviously needed a pair of tear away wind pants for Gymboree).

I am grateful for my sister, friends, and neighbors who have donated their clothes to our closet (and it is fantastic to think that I have a never ending supply courtesy of my nephew!). I get excited when we've grown out of one batch of clothing. I fold it and store it away for the next baby (God willing) and think about who, down the road, might benefit from truckloads of onsies.

With all of the expenses associated with having a baby, it is comforting to know that clothing will likely not be an issue. Diapers, wipes....now those are going to cost us.

Do I Go Green?

I am currently watching the "Rachel" Show- I think this is a first. Jessica Alba is on promoting her new company, Honest.com. A retail site for green and natural products for the home. It got me thinking...

I am lucky enough to have two women who help me clean (aka, I help by getting out of the house while they do a top-to-bottom scrubbing). A few times I've come home and they are still finishing up. The scents of cleaners are so intense! Normally, I would love that "clean" smell. But now with a baby, I can't help but wonder about what the fumes of these chemicals might be doing.

In recent weeks, months, I have tried to infuse my cleaning recipes with green and natural products (I know there is nothing better than vinegar and water). But then I wonder if it is really necessary. I grew up in a home with lots of chemicals (ugh, and cigarette smoke).

What do you think- is it worth the extra dollars to go green?

Being a parent is CRAZY hard

When you sit down to write about being a parent, there is no telling what direction your post might go in. Already this morning I've drafted about four different versions of this post covering everything from my pregnancy and delivery to our (my) challenges with sleep training (or lack of sleep training). It's hard to make these topics fit on one sheet of paper. Each topic has about a thousand relevant subtopics! So, to keep it simple, I decided to write a list of 5 reasons why being a parent is crazy hard...for me.

1. I don't sleep. Ever.

A coworker told me that after you have a child, you will never sleep the same again.

From the day our baby was born, I can count, on one hand (actually, on three fingers) the number of times I have slept for more than 4 hours). A good friend once said that all babies are good at something. That something, for our baby, isn't sleeping. When my baby has a "good" night, I feel like I am always on "stand by" waiting for him to wake up. When he has a "bad" night, well, I am just always up!

I am pretty sure I will never NOT be tired again.

2. Where the heck is my Mom-fidence?!

(I wish I could say that I invented that word but after one google search it is clear that I am not nearly as clever as I thought!) Ok, but seriously, why am I so insecure when it comes to this mom business? I have my moments of self-doubt in life but something about managing the health and well-being of a vulnerable helpless infant makes my insecure-o-meter go through the roof! I'm always wondering if I am doing something "right". I am always sure that I did something "wrong".

3. I'm not paranoid! I just worry...a lot!

"Is he cold?", "Is he hot?", "You know, they say that overheating can cause SIDS.", "Does he have to burp?", "Did I burp him long enough?", "Is his diaper dirty", "Is he still breathing- just put your hand on his chest to double check.", "You know what, now that I think about it, 'across the hall' is a lot further than I thought- let's get a video monitor."

4. Do I feel judged because I judge others? Probably.

I am judgmental. There, I said it. And I know that my judging is a weakness and only exposes a deeper insecurity of my own, but I'll stop there before I cannibalize another post....

When I see a mom with her car seat on the handle bars of a shopping cart I can't help but think, "Doesn't she know that you are not supposed to do that?!" and raise my eyebrows as I strategically place fruits and veggies around the GINORMOUS car seat that is in (not on) my cart and figure out whether or not we really need toilet paper on this visit. I don't really know what to say about this one other than that there are about one million things I can do in a day that will "damage" my baby. I am sure I am going to inadvertently damage my child in one way or another- if not physically than definitely emotionally. It's about choosing the "lesser evil" sometimes and I need to remember that before I roll my eyes at other moms who are just trying to make things work.

5. Never say never- no, really, don't because you will just look like a hypocrite.

I will NEVER say NEVER again as it relates to a parenting method (for example, I am pretty sure at one point I said, "I would NEVER do sleep training. Well....). I also used to make fun of (er, ok, judge) parents who used baby leashes. Now, as a parent, I 100% understand why someone would want to use a protective baby harness at a crowded, pedophile-filled amusement park (see, once you are a parent, you don't see it as a "leash" anymore and you do assume that everyone is a pedophile- ok, not really but....refer to point 3).

I think I also said that I would never provide unsolicited baby advice. Ever.

Hello? Anyone still out there....?

If a blogger apologizes to empty cyber space, but no one is there to read it, does it still make a sound?

First and foremost, to all three of my (at one time) loyal readers, I apologize. I could hand you any excuse in the book (I didn't have time, my creative juices ran dry, I got a new job, I quit a new job), but bottom line, my blog (and you) suffered due to my negligence.

A lot has changed in the last year (oh my god, has it been two?!). For one, I am a mom to a beautiful little boy and I am privileged to be able to stay home with him and watch him grow every single day. Needless to say, this seemingly small life change has fueled me with a lot of questions, comments, and opinions (that change every thirty seconds) that will no doubt make an impression on my writing.

I am going to keep this post short & sweet as I ease my way back into this creative forum. I promise to update as frequently as possible and now that I am a stay-at-home-mom, I have SOOOO much more time on my hands to just kick back, get creative and write.....you know, because I am home ALL day, sipping coffee and watching soaps...

I think I just identified my first official "welcome back" blog post! It will probably start with something along the lines of, "Mom, I am so sorry for never giving you enough credit."

Happiness Project, allow me to introduce you to my friend, Reality

I recently finished Gretchen Rubin's book, The Happiness Project. It was a good book...except for the fact that it made me feel awful.

Ok, slight overstatement.

There were a lot of generally good ideas in the book and nuggets of information that actually made me realize I am not alone when I make outlandish resolutions (like to start a blog...for example). But some of her anecdotes for happiness made me wonder how on earth I ever had a happy day in my life.

I finished the final chapter feeling challenged and anxious, inadequate and insecure. The charts, the "Splendid Truths" and the rules and requirements that are placed around deriving one's happiness seemed too strategic and forced and too complex and laborious to provoke happiness.

I felt as though her solutions for happiness were artificial constructs that provided her with a time stamped Visa to the country of happiness, but that she would never quite figure out how to get that passport (so poetic, I know).

She approached the attainment of happiness as I would a business-related presentation- using a formulaic strategy that required preparation, forethought, and action.

That, to me, is not happiness...

The subtext in The Happiness Project was more compelling. To me this reveals the commonly misinterpreted equation that perfection=happiness. But sadly, reality doesn't allow for perfection in everything and therefore, for those of us who have this algebraic formula genetically inscribed in our DNA, we are constantly left with a feeling of unhappiness or inadequacy.

Everyday I have to remind myself that it is usually quite the opposite; perfection doesn't necessarily equal happiness. It potentially means painful attention to detail, stressful second guessing, bar-setting, anxiety...

I am "type A" to a "T". Like the author, I aspire to have some elements of perfection in my life. I often make lists and add "to dos" that I have already done solely for the opportunity to cross items off my list and earn that sense of accomplishment. I get carried away with listing, organizing, accomplishing, doing, achieving, etc and I will admit that more than once while reading the book I thought that I should make a resolutions chart.

But the more I thought of the requirements the more I realized that they would only add to my innate anxiety and stoke the coals of my over-achieving nature. Instead, after reading the book, I am reminded of two quotes that I really should embrace more.

The first quote is from Patricia Moreno, the creator of an exercise practice known as Inten-Sati.

I am doing my best. My best is enough.

If I am stressing out, getting anxious, losing my temper or feeling like I am not making other people happy (for example, my boss) I have to tell myself that I am doing my best and that I am my ultimate judge and I tell myself that my best is enough. Maybe not for you, but for me.

The next quote was said by a former boss when we would spend days working on a proposal and it was time to submit.

Pencils down.

Although this meant to stop working on a pitch and to submit as is, I found this saying so refreshing. To me it meant that I have done all that I could possibly do in the time provided and that it was time to move on to the next project without regrets from the previous. I could easily spend hours revising and editing but there comes a point when you just have to hit "send" and move on. Or, in my personal life, when you just have to stop sweeping, mopping, organizing, folding, blogging and say...pencils down.

Another Great Morning Commute

As many of you know, my morning commute is probably one of the worst times of my day. Without fail, the train is crowded and people are easily aggitated when it comes to sharing such close personal space. But today's commute was just plain cruel. Here is why...

It was the first time in ages that I actually left my home early. It was a little past 8a and I was already making my way to the station. When I got below ground, I was surprised at how few people were waiting on the platform. I walked the distance of the platform to my usual spot between pillars 1 & 2 where I strategically stand in order to be right in front of the door to ensure that I can find room to stand.

So, when the train pulled up, I entered like I normally do and low and behold there was an empty seat!!!! Well, let me rephrase, there was a seat that some guy had his bag sitting on. This must be my lucky day. The only thing better about finding a seat is finding a seat with a bag on it so you can boldly tell the owner of the bag to move it!

That's just what I did. I tapped the guy on his knee and pointed to his bag that was taking up my seat. He moved it quickly and willingly. Just as I was settling in, pulling out my reading material, the most obscene smell came from my neighbor. But wait! It gets worse! Not only was it clear to me that this gentleman had not showered in ages, it was also clear to me that he was a narcoleptic commuter who proceeded to nap on my shoulder! At one point I finally said, "excuse me" and he moved over a bit, but it was only a matter of time before he was leaning back towards me.

Ok, I know most of you are saying, "it's your own fault, why didn't you get up?". Well, I will tell you why. Deep down inside I was hopeful that this guy might get off at the next stop. Additionally, I am so stubborn. I didn't want to admit defeat in the eyes of the PATH seat gods nor did I want to raise my white flag in front of all of the people I hurdled over to get the seat or give them the satisfaction of knowing that, although I had a seat, it was not one to be coveted.

I guess it serves me right. I am sure there is some saying that could come out of this like, "There is a reason the seat is empty" or "Never sit in the one empty seat on a crowded train"...ok, maybe we can go with the more traditional saying- look before you leap?